D’oh!

A 58-year-old man who fed pigeons wearing only a skimpy thong which was back to front has been fined £150.

Neighbours spotted David Batchelor in his street in Perth in the underwear which left his genitals partly exposed. Perth Sheriff Court heard that children walking home from school had been passing by at the time.

His lawyer said that Batchelor had been drunk and there was no sexual element to the way he had behaved. He admitted committing a breach of the peace. When officers had turned up to investigate they found Batchelor still partially dressed and with his flimsy thong on the wrong way round.

The Full Story: BBC News

The mind boggles. Who goes out to feed the birds a pie anyway? And then while dressed in only a thong that’s on the wrong way round??

“She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body. It is hard to imagine. … I still have a hard time imagining it myself,” Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said in a telephone interview, adding that it appeared her body fat had grown attached to the seat.

The boyfriend called police on Feb. 27 to report that “there was something wrong with his girlfriend,” Whipple said, adding he never explained why it took him two years to call.

He said the boyfriend had brought the woman food and water during the two years and told investigators he asked her daily to come out of the bathroom.

“And her reply would be, ‘Maybe tomorrow,’” Whipple said. “According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom.”

The full story.

The company which was responsible for looking after the bridge raised the alarm on Tuesday when, ever vigilant, they noticed that the bridge wasn’t there any more.

Martina Hruskova, a spokeswoman for the Czech police, commented: “We are not sure if it was taken for personal use or for its scrap value”.

What “personal use” would that be then? Apparently bridge theft is becoming more and more common in the former Soviet states, with at least two bridges being stolen in Russia in the last six months and a couple going missing from Macedonia last February. Why the sudden rash of bridge theft? Is it the new thing, like cocaine was in the ’80s?

Remember kids: lock your bridge up at night.

How many people dressed as Smurfs can you gather in one place at one time?

This is the record the people of Komin, Croatia decided that they could beat. Research on the Internet revealed that they would only have to gather more than two-hundred and ninety Smurfs in one place to clinch the record. The press were notified, campaigns were launched and a date was set. When the time came, three-hundred and ninety-five Smurfs descended on Komin.

Nearly four-hundred men, women and children all painted blue from head to foot, wearing white trousers and floppy white hats gathered together for the record attempt. With over one-hundred more Smurfs than the current record, they were surely a shoe-in.

However, when they contacted Guinness to verify the record, they were informed that it had all been a waste of time. Last year, Warwick University students managed to amass four-hundred and fifty-one Smurfs, besting the Croatian effort by fifty-six.

A down-beat Croat spokesman said: “We could easily have got more Smurfs, but we thought that over a hundred more than the American record we found on the Internet would be enough”.

The moral of the story? Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!

The girls, aged 15 and 16, were told to kneel down, were blindfolded and then “cream” was applied to their faces. Unfortunately for the girls, this wasn’t some revolutionary new exfoliate but was in fact the hot steamy ejaculate of a sad, lonely man.

Bizarrely, these actions aren’t strictly a crime. You can’t charge the guy with sexual assault as he didn’t interfere with them sexually and you can’t get him for indecent exposure because… well… they were blindfolded. The only thing public prosecutor Bill Roach could come up with was a very limp case of fraud.

It strikes me that if you can come up with a crime that nobody has ever done before, you can pretty much get away with it. Without a precedent, there’s not really anything the courts can do to you. If the guy hadn’t told them what he was going to do to them before he blindfolded them, would that still have been fraud? What were they expecting?

Equally, does it swing the other way? What if you accidentally got some semen on someone during your normal everyday life? Are you then guilty of something? I’m not saying I frequently rub jizz on peoples backs when I’m walking down the street but I’d like to know whether the option was available.

The Round of Drinks

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vcrs5Z7S-oM[/youtube]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vcrs5Z7S-oM

(sorry, it wouldn’t let me embed this video )

It’s really impressive how he managed to remember all of those lines! This is the second video posted so far of these two great comedians. If you enjoyed this, please check out the Fork Handles Sketch – Another classic!